5:30 in the morning and I am still awake. I slept for about two and a half hours in which I got very little good sleep, and then woke up to Sophie sleeping wrapped around my right arm. So, James, if you read this, no I didn't sleep well like you asked. Yes, I am too stressed for all of this. No, I can't go back to sleep. Yes, I am kind of upset. No, I don't want to talk about it because I'm talked out right now.

I leave for the beach this weekend, but I'm kind of burnt out on the idea. I know I'll have fun, but I really want to curl up in bed for a few more days before I go out and do anything else. This whole break up has done my head in, and I'm not thinking clearly, and I'm not feeling clearly. I took some Zoloft because I realized that since my feelings are purely chemical, that may help even out some of the unnecessary blinding pain, anger and sadness I'm feeling right now. It has helped slightly. I am having short burst of contentment, but they always end up replaced with intense feelings of nausea and dread. If all relationships are going to make me feel this horribly, maybe I shouldn't have any more.

I'm such a naturally sensitive person, and that has caused me to be stressed and sick my entire life. I remember some kid saying mean things to me when I was 6 years old, and it made me physically ill. My parents had to write a letter to my elementary school to beg them to protect me from being bullied because it took such a horrible toll on me. I've been in therapy on and off since I was 16, and I have yet to figure out how to not be so sensitive as to my own detriment.

Being this tenderhearted is debilitating. I lose friendships and relationships this way. I have a hard time when life gets tough and out of hand. If my schedule becomes over-full, I breakdown with no recourse. I hate getting lectures from people to just suck it up because if it was that easy for me, I would have done it years ago. I try. Too hard sometimes. It kills me. In fact, if all of this stress isn't the death of me when I get a little older, it will be a blessing.

I know that I'm a tough person to be around. I get that. I'm a pessimist, mostly because I have been hurt so much and I am so sensitive. I'd like to think that more people were sensitive like me, and because of that the world isn't such a bad place. However, being this tenderhearted I know how rare people as sensitive as me are. That makes it far easier to be a pessimist. I know I'm a good person. I have no doubts about that. However, I am starting to think that I am destined to mostly be a loner because I am so sensitive that it is really hard to truly please me and make me feel comfortable and trustful. Both a blessing and a curse, really. I hope there will be people out there who are natural nurturers who will want to take me on because I like being nurtured, and I'm too sensitive to take without giving back. Sadly, nurturers tend to get dicked over like I have, and so they have walls up that keep us from seeing each other properly.

I also know I have an intense "Daddy complex" because my father was kind of useless growing up. Part of me wants to find a man who will whisk me away and take care of me and worship me. Putting me first and wanting to make me happy. A guy who will take me places because I never got those opportunities, and who wants to dote on me and reward me for being a good person. I know it is wrong. Trust me. Psychologically, I know it is a fucked up thing, but I yearn for the little girl who is locked inside of me who never got a chance to live to be taken care of, and for the woman I am growing into to be taken care of as well. I'm part grown up, part child. And I'm scared and lonely. And most of all, I'm sad.

Therapy hasn't really helped resolve these issues so far, so I'm not really sure if I'll ever make headway, but I'll keep trying because I do dream of being a wife and a mother one day and I don't want to pass these complexes down to my kids or toss them onto my husband. That isn't the person I want to be. But, in the event that it is the person I am destined to remain, I'll have to live with the fact that this road is lonely, and I can't make other people's lives horrible just because mine is not ideal.

I don't know where I'm going with this. My mind is rambling and my medication isn't working. Go figure.

Well, as of almost two o'clock this morning, I am a single woman. Chris broke up with me. I called him because I was feeling sick and wanted to go to sleep, but before I slept I wanted to talk to him and see how his day went. He didn't come home from New Orleans like he said he was. I told him I was hoping that I would see him this weekend because I wasn't feeling well and I was upset about some things. He told me that he didn't want to make me more upset, but he had something he needed to talk to me about.

The dread set in my gut. I knew what was coming. He told me he wasn't coming home this week, and when he did, he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He said he wanted to be free to do things with his life, and he wanted to be single. He wanted to be able to pack up and do things without a second thought. He told me he still loved me very much, and wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. He said he wished he could fast forward me a few months and find me a great person who would take good care of me. He then told me he was going to be moving to his grandmother's house, and hoped to open his own motorcycle shop.

Of course, I collapsed in tears and told him that we could make a long distance relationship work, but he told me he didn't want it. He said he knew he didn't want to spend his life with me, and he didn't want to draw it out any longer. He said he'd miss me at first, but that it would get better with time. And he told me I'd feel better with time, too. We talked for an hour, and then he told me he'd talk to me in a few days to talk about how he'll get my stuff to me. He told me he loved me, and then we hung up.

It hurts so immeasurably bad. Two and a half years, and now nothing. My only consolation is that hopefully someone amazing is still out there for me, and maybe that relationship will be better than I could ever imagine. I thought that Chris and I had something that would last, but there was always a feeling nagging at me that said that it would never work.

He wants to be The Lone Ranger. He doesn't think he'll ever want to commit to anyone fully. I can't imagine living my life without having a partner in crime to commit to. I hope he is out there somewhere. And I hope it doesn't take me forever and ever to meet him. Until then, I'll just have to try and do the best I can, and hope that each breath gets a little easier to breathe until it doesn't hurt anymore.

I think Chris will always hold a place in my heart because he was my first real true love. He opened up parts of me that I never thought I would be able to open. I guess for that, I am grateful. Hopefully it will lead me to being able to love someone else, someone who will love me back as much as I love them. Someone who will be there for me, and who will be a true partner to me.

Until I feel better, I'm just going to crawl in bed with some Harry Potter and come out in a few days. Then from then on I'll take it day by day. I'm hoping to be over this sooner rather than later because I don't want to dwell on this forever. I really don't. I want to feel it, learn from it, and move on. I don't want to rush it, but I don't want it to be a cloud for months and months to come.

I'll try and update my progress as it goes, but it may be a few days before I blog about anything else. I don't know if I'll feel up to it.

Exactly one month from today, I will be turning 23 years old. Y'know, I used to love birthdays. In fact, I used to tell my mother that my birthday should be a national holiday because I was born on that day and Joe Strummer from the Clash was born on that day, and that kind of awesomeness should be celebrated. Each year I'd have a ton of things on my birthday list, and all kinds of ideas on how I should spend my birthday. I'd get so worked up about it that I would start planning it months in advance. I wanted everyone to know about it. This year, instead of being excited for my birthday and what it holds, I am dreading it.

I have never dreaded a birthday before, although last year's was pretty bad so I guess that has set the tone for this year's. This year I started talking about presents with people a month or so ago. However, I've come to realize that all the things I want are things I don't need, and really, with the economy the way it is no one needs to buy me those things. I wanted a new iPod. I wanted a weekend vacation. I wanted an external hard drive. I wanted a lot of things.

I wanted to have a party. My mom even saw me post a Facebook status about it. Then I realized that I don't have enough friends to have a party. Even if Ryan comes into town, that leaves me with the two of them for sure, and Chris if our relationship doesn't fall apart by then. Not that it would or should, but you never know with people these days. Nothing is sacred. No one is loyal. Love doesn't mean much. The unimaginable happens quite a lot more often than we as humans like to admit.

I told Chris that for my birthday I'd like to go to The Melting Pot, which is this moderately priced fondue restaurant. I've never had fondue before, and I thought it would be fun. I said afterward I'd like to go to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince at the IMAX. He just said, "We'll see". Chris just took a pay cut at work, so obviously my birthday is the least of his importance right now, as it should be. Oh, wait. Chris is where right now? That's right, New Orleans on his own dime. What did he do last night? Go out bar-hopping, which he refuses to do with me, and gets plastered, which he always fusses at me for. He can spend his money to go out with Brandon to New Orleans, but when it comes to my birthday I know he'll roll over and act like it hurts his bank account to take me out. What about taking me bar-hopping for my birthday? Oh, no. That wouldn't happen because Chris wouldn't want to spend that money, and he wouldn't want me to get drunk, and he wouldn't want to get drunk with me because that is reserved solely for the few occasions that he can do it around his friends.

I also asked him to take the day off of work so that he could spend my birthday with me. He told me that he wasn't going to do that because he doesn't even take his own birthday off. Ok, that is fine. Still, he's taken off of work for two vacations already this summer. Why not one extra day for my birthday? So I asked if he could get off early, and he said maybe an hour. An hour. Like that will make much of a difference when he stands around shooting the shit with his co-workers. He'll get off at 4, but won't leave until 5, and then when he realizes there will be rush hour traffic, he won't actually leave until closer to 6. I know him. He might as well just stay at work.

I kind of wish I could go to sleep on Thursday, August 20th, and wake up on Saturday, August 22nd. I know that some of the reason I feel like this now is because I'm PMSing. I know some of this is because I'm kind of hurt because Chris didn't call last night like he promised (for one of the few if ONLY times I can remember) because he was out on vacation and bar-hopping. I know some of this is because I probably can't have anything I want, and why have a birthday if everyone gives you an IOU or substitutes the things you want with things you don't want, but take politely because someone bought it for you or because someone was nice enough to take you somewhere, anywhere.

I just want to crawl in bed on my birthday and pretend I'm somewhere far away. Somewhere that people are loyal. Somewhere that people truly love you. Somewhere that even if they can't give you what you want, they'll make sure to make things as fun and memorable as possible. Somewhere that I'll be happy.

Recently I found a stack of mix CDs that I have made over the years. Some were clearly labeled. Others were partially labeled, or not labeled at all. I decided to sit down with them, and find the ones that took me back to a certain place or time. Those I would re-mix, and make a fresh copy that didn't skip. While I was on this memory trip, I came across a CD that was kind of special to my heart.

When I started college at East Carolina back in 2005, I had this one mix CD that I used to play on repeat. In between diction classes for theatre, or learning Latin conjugations, I would sit in my dorm room with this CD on blast. It was a pretty open dorm, so we'd all hang out with our dorm room doors wide open. Considering that I was and still am a huge audiophile, my hall got to listen to a lot of my music, but mostly this one CD. Opinions on my taste ran the gamut from, "You listen to the coolest music! Where do you find it?" to "WHAT IS THAT WEIRD ASS SHIT YOU ARE PLAYING?!?". Mostly, people thought it was weird, and I was weird along with it. Then again, when you go to a college that thrives on top 40 pop/rap, cock rock, and because it is the south, copious amounts of country, I guess I was kind of an oddball with my Canadian power pop or my British electro rock.

This is a sentiment that has followed me into adulthood. I have yet to find a friend who really enjoys all the same music that I do. Chris loves metal and bluegrass, two genres which I only dabble in. My other friends who like indie seem to only like a very limited amount of indie. So much so that I'd probably classify them as music snobs. I've heard enough Modest Mouse and Ani DiFranco to last me a lifetime, even though I do love them. Still, there is so much more music out there in the world, and I enjoy finding it. I wish that other people would come along for the ride, or at least would be willing to accompany me to a show once in awhile. It is my dream to attend huge festivals in the UK like Glastonbury or Reading Festival. I'd hate to have to go it alone.

With that being said, here is the mix CD that was the soundtrack to my first semester in college. The soundtrack that got me through my first college crush, and my first college heartbreak. The one that got me through conflicts with my roommate, nights with my friends, and framed the semester that I'll never get back, but wish I could. Maybe you'll enjoy it. Maybe you won't. Either way, I'm going to share it in the hopes that it will make someone out there smile the way it made me.

( Are you in the mix? )

I really need to take some inventory of myself, and have a little "Me" time. I know some of this is because I'm PMSing, but I have some work I'd like to do for myself. I would like to lose a little bit of weight. 20 pounds is my goal, but I don't know how that will work out. In the past when I have ate healthy and worked out, I saw very little change in my body which was quite discouraging. The last time I lost weight, I was still on my ADHD meds. I didn't lose a ton of weight, but even the few pounds I lost garnered me attention on how thin I was beginning to look. So much so that my mom took pictures! It made me feel really good!

I'd like to feel pretty when I look at myself in the mirror. I want to feel beautiful and worthy, and when I pass a gorgeous girl walking down the street I don't want to automatically feel so horrible about myself. I'd like to be a pretty girl. Chris joined some stupid group on one of his social networking sites that is for Beautiful People and the People who Love Beautiful People. Megan Fox is the picture that represents the group. I want to feel like he joined the group because he thought I was beautiful, and not because he loves the people that group represents that I am clearly not a part of. I saw it and felt like it was like "Damn, Megan Fox is beautiful! Oh, yeah, Megan, I guess you're alright, too." I know that is me projecting, but it is thoughts like that that I don't want to have anymore! I don't want to be so insecure and feel like such a second-rate slob. I feel like if I find myself beautiful, then at least some of the insecurity will vanish because I will feel like I can compete.

I have things I want to do with my life. Things I want to learn. Things I want to see. Things I want to experience. I want to take steps towards some of that stuff. I want someone to be along for the ride. I'm okay being alone. I did it for years. But now I want to have the comfort of a companion. Chris is a great guy, and I hope he continues to be my companion, but I am gripped by fear everyday. I know it isn't attractive, and I know that it is detrimental, but I don't know how not to be fearful. I want to feel confident in my relationship, but I also wonder why should I? People are not nice, and they aren't always the people you want them to be. I know all I can control is myself and who I am, and that makes me even more cynical towards my relationship.

Urgh. I hate this. This is why I need to do some things for myself. I need to find a way to happy. Or at least to content. And I need to learn how to love myself, even in the face of others. Like I said, I want to feel worthy. Is that too much to ask?

P.S. I know, KNOW this is all from PMS, but it is still a dark undercurrent in my non-PMS life, as well.

Over the past few days, I've been interested in researching what generation I'm considered to be a part of, and what events have shaped our collective being. However, I should have known that what I would find would be a lot of yelping from Baby Boomers screeching that we are ruining the world.

The biggest complaint I read was about the entitlement complex that my generation, Generation Y, has. While I can agree that we seem to be far more entitled than people in the past, I also think that this is more of an American frame of mind than a generational one. And, really, was it not Baby Boomers who put our country in the state it is in now? Was it not them who became the CEO's of these greedy companies who helped to sink our economy, and to this day won't admit to any wrongdoing? This is all just par for the course of my generation continues with these attitudes.

I also read that we were not parented correctly. Yet, Baby Boomers are our parents. So while these so-called "generational experts" were complaining about how badly we are parented, they forgot to mention that they were the ones doing the parenting. If someone deigned to mention this fact, many Baby Boomers just yelped that my generation needed to learn to take responsibility for our actions some day. So, they can parent us badly, but then they blame it all on us?

I also heard a lot of yowling about how my generation just didn't take work seriously enough anymore. There were a lot of comments on how my generation has new priorities. We put ourselves first. Our families and mental well-being are on the top of our list. Not work. As someone who relates to this message, I'd like to try to explain for all the Baby Boomers out there.

I grew up in a household where my parents were working constantly. I spent a lot of time as a latch-key kid, which by the way is supposed to be a bad thing, remember. I saw very little of my parents, and what I did see were overworked, overstressed people struggling to make ends meet. A lot of my generation saw that, and we decided we weren't going to take that anymore. I want to work, and I'm willing to be a great worker, but not at the expense of my family. If my child is ill, I want to be able to call into work and tell them that my child comes first without fear of reprimand. If I, as a woman, get pregnant, I want to be able to take some time off without fear of losing my job instead of being told I will work until I pop, and then am expected back within a week. I don't want to work so much that I don't see my husband except for when we are going to sleep. I don't want to work every waking moment of my life and not have a single moment for myself. Especially considering that we are being forced into 80 hour a week jobs for 40 hour or less pay. I want to be paid for my time. We also want the promise of a good benefits package. The healthier we are, the more and better we can work. We are tired of catch-22 hiring. You know, where you want an entry level job to consist of someone who already has five years of experience because you don't want to take two weeks to train them, yet we can't get experience without a job and we can't get a job without experience. You want loyalty? Be loyal to us. Don't fire us to expand your bottom line and export our jobs to people who are willing to sell their souls for less money. Why be loyal to a job that doesn't offer you security, proper pay, decent hours, and health benefits? Why is demanding these things bratty and "entitled"? Should we ALL want these things regardless of age?

There was also a whole lot of complaining about my generation having to move back home. It was said that we were doing it because we were lazy. No one thought that it might be because we are in so much debt coming out of college that we can't afford to live alone. No one thought that maybe our entry-level, minimum wage jobs just won't support us. No one thought that wages haven't gone up in proportion to things around us, so we can't afford to buy anything and save at the same time. We aren't all lazy mooches. For some of us it is our parent's house or the streets. We'll choose the roof over our head any day.

Sure, there are lazy people in my generation who don't want to work for anything. In general, my generation is just demanding less greed and better treatment. It probably won't work, but it doesn't hurt to try. And also, not all Baby Boomers feel this way. I did see a few sympathetic ones who were glad we were trying to change things for the better, and encouraged us to do so. Most just told us to deal with things being shitty and not to expect any better because the status quo was important to be maintained at all costs, even if it was corrupt. Sorry, you can't feed people that line forever before they want to make a change.

Generations have to learn to meet in the middle. Until then, things will just continue to get worse and worse as we have a pissing contest to see who wins out. Standoffs can be fun, right?

I keep having this weird recurring dream. In this dream I am pregnant with a daughter, although in some variations I've already had her and she is a toddler. I am always really happy and excited about it. I'm surrounded by friends and family who are supporting me. Oddly enough, in my dreams, the father is always non-existent. Either I never see him, or in some cases, we are aren't together and I'm raising her on my own. In my dreams my belly is always showing, and I'm always rubbing it and talking to her. When I wake up, before I realize I'm awake I'm always so happy, but then I wake up fully and I am almost disappointed that it isn't real. Sometimes I've even woken up rubbing my belly where the baby should be.

It is the weirdest thing because I'm not ready for a child. I'm not even close to ready. Yet, part of me sometimes wishes that I were, and that I had someone that I was settled down with so that it could be a possibility. It is like my biological clock is going off with no snooze button to shut it down for awhile. I think part of me is afraid that I'm never going to find someone to be with and that I'll never get to have children of my own. It is becoming so commonplace nowadays for men to not want to settle down and have families, or they are older when they want it to happen so women have to rush to have a family before nature runs its course and she can't have any biological children. I don't want to be that woman. I don't want to be in my mid 30s still hoping that I'll find someone, anyone to procreate with me. I guess the other part of me is afraid that I'll end up with someone and have a child, only to have it end with them not being a part of my life for whatever reason, as is evidenced in my dream.

Part of me wishes I weren't getting older and didn't have to worry about this stuff. At least if I were younger I could tell myself that I was far too young and had my whole life ahead of me. Now I tell myself, I'm young, but the clock has started ticking, and I'm already behind almost everyone I know.

This is silly. Or is it?

Oh, my. Looks like I'm not off to a very good start with this journaling everyday thing. At least I'm trying.

This weekend was kind of hectic. Friday, Chris and I went and saw Transformers 2. I thought the CGI and action sequences were quite good, but the acting and the script were atrocious. John Turturro was a bright spot, as always, but that is to be expected. It was a fun movie for the $6.50 we paid to see it. I'm kind of done with this franchise now. I'm ready and hoping for a live action Thundercats movie at some point. Or perhaps a She-Ra movie. I mean, it would only make sense, right? I could see Angelina Jolie as She-Ra.

Saturday, of course, was Independence Day here in America, and to celebrate Chris and I had a barbecue dinner with my mother, and then shot off fireworks with his best friend, Lee. Lee and the rest of the boys stood out in his cul-de-sac lighting off all the fireworks Lee had bought in Indiana. They were throwing them in the air, shooting them off at trees and drains, and being a little reckless in general. I had bought my own bag of fireworks, so me and the girls stood further back from them and had a less adventurous time with fireworks. I even traded one of the guys a sparkler for a lesson on shooting bottle rockets. Afterwards, Amanda and I played some Little Big Planet, while Lee and Chris talked about computers.

Sunday we had a cookout with Chris' father and his father's girlfriend. I proceeded to drink an entire bottle of wine at the festivities. Looking back on it, I was only a glass or so away from making a fool out of myself. As soon as we hit the road to head back to the house, I passed out in his brother's truck. Partially from the alcohol, and partially from the lack of sleep. I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed until it was time to go to Chris' hockey game. His team, the Beer Nuts, won 8 to 3, and Chris even scored a goal, which is good for a defenseman!

I've been playing The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker a lot the past few days. It really is quite a good game. I'm about halfway through at my guess. I'm trying to get into the Hyrulian temples, but I have to collect some other items from around the map to enable me to open the hidden doorways and what not. So right now I'm just sailing around the seas and hitting up the islands I've yet to find for anything that could help me on my journey.

I have an earache, and it is really annoying me. I have a headache and a bit of a sore throat along with it. I don't recall ever having an earache before, so I have no idea what is causing it. I was afraid an ant had crawled in their or something, but I think I'd feel something like that rattling around in my head. A bug crawling into my ears/nose/mouth is one of my greatest fears. During the day you can pretty much prevent that from happening, but at night you are vulnerable to things happening. I know it is kind of silly, but we all have our irrational fears.

A girl I went to high school with got married this weekend to one of the Carolina Railhawks. For those of you who don't know, the Carolina Railhawks are a USL-1 professional soccer team. I'm not surprised to hear she got married to a professional soccer player. She was always the type of girl to seem like she had the best of everything. I wish nothing but luck to her. I guess that is all I can do in my life is wish luck to all the other happy couples. I'm only 22, and I hope it will happen for me one day. Part of me has a feeling that it probably won't, but I can dream. Besides, how could I fulfill my life dream of being a crazy cat lady if I settle down with some guy? Haha! At least I can still be humorous about a kind of sad situation.

I really need to do something with my life. It is time.

So, here is an odd little story for the day. I have an LG EnV2 cell phone, and I spent part of the morning trying to make a few new ringtones for my phone. I have my phone set to download all incoming media onto my SD card instead of the cell phone memory, yet somehow the new ringtone I created got saved onto my phone. So while I was on the hunt for where the file had been saved, I wandered into the My Sounds portion of my media files. For those of you who don't know, on this phone you can record your own sounds/save funny voicemails and they are deposited into a separate folder from your music and ringtones. I have a few messages saved on my SD card, but they are all clearly labeled. Yet there were three unlabeled sounds. So, of course, I listened to them to see what they were. One of the sounds was a ringing dial tone, and one was my mother's ringback tone. I found that to be odd, but I shrugged it off and deleted them from my SD card. The third one, however, was quite interesting.

The third unlabeled sound was a FULL telephone conversation between me and Chris from a few months ago. It was a very short conversation discussing our lunch plans for the afternoon. Why on Earth would I have that saved? HOW did I save it? And furthermore, why can you hear Chris' voice and not mine on the recording? It was really quite odd. So, somehow, without knowing it, I recorded a 30 second phone conversation with my boyfriend onto my phone and managed to save it. I have yet to figure out how I did it, but I'm determined to figure it out so I won't mistakenly do it over and over again.

I also found a video on my phone that I didn't take. Well, technically it is only audio because there is no picture. It seems that while my phone was in my purse, it began recording my mother and I this past Thursday as we left a bookshop we had been browsing. It was our entire conversation from the time we walked out of the bookshop until we got to the car. I have a lock on my phone so that I have to press certain buttons to make it work while it is closed. I didn't think it would be so easy for them to get pressed while in my purse, but I guess I was wrong.

The happy ending to the story is that the phone conversation that got recorded was cute because it captured me and Chris in one of our everyday situations. It wasn't a fight. It wasn't a time where Chris was going out of his way to be sweet and adorable. It was just normal, and frankly, I love being normal with him.

In other news, I downloaded Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. I used to watch it all the time as a kid, and now because of his passing I'd like to experience it all over again. This should be interesting.