For any communities that I may try and join in the near future, this journal is not abandoned, and I'm not a spammer. I use this journal mostly to comment on the communities I'm a part of. I have a long history on LJ and can supply the names of past journals dating to 2004, as well as communities I modded or created. I don't post anymore because, frankly, there is just nothing interesting going on in my life. I'm 26, and a SAHW who lives in a small town. I don't go out much as there isn't really anything to do here. My best friend lives in another country and I see her once a year, so I don't have lots of fun weekly BFF excursions to write about. I have a drama free marriage, so no man troubles to ponder over. I have limited exposure to family, so that drama stays at bay, as well. My life is incredibly boring and, considering that I experienced a lot of deplorable shit growing up, I'm not at all bothered by being boring.
I may one day reopen a journal, whether it is this one or an old one, but right now is not that time. Like I said, I just wanted communities who check applicants to know I'm not a troll or a spammer. I mainly lurk (except for ONTD-P where I have periods of frequent activity), but I like joining communities so I have the option to comment when the mood strikes. Anyway, hopefully that helps! xx
Today was a really interesting day. It started out fairly depressing. Today was the six year anniversary of Kassel's death. I had a good cry over it this afternoon, but I put on my game face because Kyle was coming to visit me this evening.
My mom and Kyle got to the house at the same time today, and so he ended up meeting my mom. I was sufficiently freaked out because just last night we had a talk about how I wasn't ready for her to meet him. I felt that it was inappropriate. And then, as if by fate, she ended up meeting him today anyway after I told her she wasn't going to. He offered to help bring in groceries, which made me feel even worse. He seemed to be okay with the whole exchange, but I just felt like it was all inappropriate. He and I have barely even gotten to know each other yet, and here he is meeting my mom. However, if he says he is okay with it, which he does, I just have to let that go and move forward from there.
Hanging out with Kyle was nice. We walked around the lake by my house, and stopped to sit in a gazebo with a swing in it. We talked about all kinds of things, and I really like talking with him. I feel connected to him in that way. We are a little clanky and awkward, and I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that we just jumped in to our relationship based on this connection we felt. However, I definitely feel a rush when he is around, and my mood has been generally better since meeting him. I'm hoping that some of his gentle, sweet demeanor rubs off on me. If anyone has the chance to declaw me, it would be him.
I'm going to go spend Friday evening in his town and cook him dinner. It will give us a chance to hang out without a time limit. Or at least, the time limit won't be imposed until the next evening. I think it will be a nice way to spend the weekend, and it will give us a chance to bond. Hopefully, we'll be able to survive 24 hours or so together. I'm optimistic that things will go well.
I'm excited at the prospect that I'm building a relationship with a person that I connect with as a friend and that I'll be able to count on in a human sort of way. I've built relationships solely on physical attraction, and that fizzles out with nothing underneath to keep the relationship solid. I've built relationships solely on mental attraction that fizzles out when you realize that you don't want them touching you. With Kyle, there is a mix of both, and I'm hoping that will work out well in the long run. I've got my fingers crossed, and apparently so does Ren. That's good because I will take all the luck and good vibes that I can get.
I'm content. I think right now, that is all that is important.
So, I guess I should record this here for posterity and future reference for when my memory fails me. Kyle and I are in a relationship now. I'm slightly freaked out, but only because I feel weird for the first couple of weeks until I get into the swing of the relationship. Our relationship is slightly long-distance because he live about 40 minutes away, but that might be for the best at first. That way the relationship doesn't come in between us and real life.
I just don't feel any different than I did being single. Then again, it has only been an hour, so we'll see. I'm not really thrilled about potential issues in the future, but I'll take it as it comes, I guess. And I hope my family and friends will keep me grounded this time. I'm going to need that like I do with most anything in my life. How I manage to be a cynic while also having my head in the clouds, I have no idea.
What I do find interesting is how we are in similar situations. He just moved, and lives in a city where he has no support system. I live in my hometown, and most of my friends live elsewhere now, so my support system is pretty much virtual unless people come home to visit. So, my theory is that we're both trying to find someone to fill those voids left by being alone. Plus, we both got out of long-term relationships last year that have left us knowing pretty much exactly what we want. We have really similar lives that way. I don't know if that is the most stable foundation to build something on, but we'll just have to see.
And, since we put it up on Facebook, my page has been blowing up. Dear Lord. Here we go.
- Tags:kyle, relationships
- Music:'I'm on a Boat (feat. T-Pain)' - The Lonely Island
Last night, I went on what I think is my most successful date since my break-up with Chris. I had re-opened my profile on OkCupid, and after a lot of hits and misses I got a wink from a guy who seemed pretty interesting. A little nerdy, but interesting. So, I winked back and then we started chatting back and forth. After a few messages I found out that his name was Kyle and we decided to move our chats to AIM and Yahoo! Messenger. For a few days we talked daily for hours on end. So, we moved to the next step. I gave him my number and we started to text throughout the day. Finally, we decided we should meet.
That brings us up to yesterday. I was really nervous to meet Kyle because I didn't know how much I actually liked him. I mean, we had a lot in common and we were able to converse, but he wasn't my usual type. Well, okay, he is one of my types, but one that I haven't really pursued in years, which is the smart, nerdy yet good looking type. He got to my house at 6:30, and I took one look at him and knew I had made the right decision. We went to this little cafe for dinner and sat outside. We ordered food, but we each only ate a bite or two because we spent the whole time talking. After that, we decided to go to the first coffee shop we could find to sit and talk for a little while longer. We ended up at Starbucks, and we stayed there until closing. Following our Starbucks stay, we drove around aimlessly for awhile, which put us in Holly Springs. We drove until we found a road we recognized, and then headed back towards my house. After that, we sat in the car until almost 3 in the morning talking. He said that he sees a lot of potential in our chemistry and that he wants to see where this goes. We briefly talked about being in a relationship, but while we both agreed we'd be comfortable with that, neither of us has brought it up since. So, I don't really know what we are exactly.
Either way, I really like Kyle. He's got this adorable southern accent that doesn't sound redneck, but gentlemanly. He held the doors open for me, paid for everything, and walked me to my door at the end of the night. He is a science teacher, which I think is incredibly cool. He loves the idea that I'm a writer and that I'm writing a science fiction novel. We have a lot of the same likes and dislikes, beliefs about politics and religion, and goals for life such as marriage and kids. He enjoys discussing things from the silly to the serious, and has opinions about lots of things, which is the same as me. He likes rock music, but admits his secret passion for jamming out to NSYNC. It is refreshing to be around a guy who can hold a conversation, knows what he is talking about, and doesn't take everything so seriously (while still knowing how to be serious when it is called for).
I think part of the reason that I like him is because he reminds me of Ryan. He was wearing a cologne similar to what Ryan wears, and anything that reminds me of Ryan gives me the warm fuzzies. That may seem weird that I like that a guy reminds me of an ex, but Ryan is still my best friend. So, someone who reminds me of my best friend is a plus. He also reminds me of James. I had a crush on James for years, but we haven't been able to work out because our personalities lead to a lot of passion and a lot of clashes. Plus, James is living in New Jersey, and I think he currently has a girlfriend. However, Kyle is a lot like James without all the clashes and issues. Lastly, Kyle reminds me of my uncle and Matt. He would understand the humor and interests of my family because he shares them. My family always gives me this intense feeling of contentment and home, and I got that feeling being around Kyle. Granted, a lot of this could just be because we had a good first date, but that is how I felt.
Also, before the date I told myself to listen to the music. Let me explain. When I met Chris for the first time, we went to this bar and all night long they played my favorite Coldplay songs on rotation. I took it as a sign, and, of course, we ended up together for two and a half years. So, as silly as it sounds, I told myself to pay attention to my surroundings and listen to the music for signs. Almost immediately after entering Kyle's car my favorite Alice in Chains song started playing on the radio. When we were in Starbucks, my favorite Alison Krauss song came on, and it is also just one of my favorite songs in general. Later, my favorite Audioslave song was on the radio when we got lost. I told him about my theory, and he thought it was a great one and understood because he'd had a similar experience in his past.
Anyway, Kyle is a really cool guy. I'd like for things to work out. However, due to past experience I also know not to put all my eggs in one basket and not to get too attached until he's proven himself. Even then, I need to not let myself get lost in him because that is a bad, bad thing. This time, if I fall in love, I'm not going to let myself become half of a unit. I'm going to keep standing on my own. It is the only way I'll survive.
- Music:'3' - Britney Spears
Today I came across some new pictures of Chris. It was purely accidental. I was looking through my groups on Facebook, and I found the one that Katy and I had made back in the day for his hockey team. He's still a member, and he has a new profile picture of him and a woman on his birthday. At first I felt a slight shock. I don't know why. I don't love him anymore. I don't want to be with him anymore. Of course, one of us has to move on first. Still, it was just a weird thing. However, after the initial shock had worn off, I looked at her closely and him closely. I realized that he was happy. Happier than he had been with me in a long time. And she, honestly, looks like the kind of girl that is perfect for him. She's pretty with a punk rockabilly edge and tattoos. They look like they should be together. Chris and I, while we did have fun, never truly fit. Seeing him with her made me really realize that. Oddly enough, I am happy for him. I don't know if they are together or just friends, but either way, I'm happy for him. I think I know what this means. I think I'm completely over him. I may miss companionship and I miss the fun experiences, but I don't miss them with him.
Besides, I have my own prospects, and when I look at them, I see myself fitting in a way that I didn't see with Chris. We share more of the same likes and dislikes, which, oddly enough, Chris told me I should seek out. We also have similar goals for the long term, which is something that Chris and I fought over constantly. The idea of not having to fight over that kind of stuff really makes me happy. And, if any of these guys work out, which I'm hoping that one will, I'm not going to go into it with expectations, and I'm going to try to keep it fun and light for as long as I can. I want to enjoy being with whoever I'm with. Somewhere along the way, Chris and I stopped enjoying each other.
So, while Chris was a huge part of my life for two and a half years, and I'll always cherish the good moments we shared, I am finally ready to let him go once and for all. I think I had already let him go, but today was just a confirmation that I am okay and that I am over him. Honestly, it is one of the best feelings in the world.
- Music:'Telephone (feat. Beyonce)' - Lady Gaga
When I get down, or I'm just in a nostalgic mood, I pull out these videotapes that my dad made for me when I was a kid. He used to tape the shows I would watch obsessively as a baby and a toddler, and he would pop them in when I needed to be entertained. Now, as an adult, I still have most of the set that he made. The set chronicles through me being 7 or 8 years old. That means that some of the tapes are over 20 years old. Thank God I still have a VCR to play them on.
Tonight, I pulled out the very first tape which was taped in 1987. The shows on it are as follows:
- Wheel of Fortune
- Pee Wee's Playhouse
- Wheel of Fortune
- Soul Train (with special guest Grace Jones)
- Puttin' on the Hits
- American Bandstand
- 25,000 Pyramid
- Card Sharks
- Sesame Street
- Mister Roger's Neighborhood
If anything can be gleaned from this strange listing, it is that I was obsessed with game shows. From what my parents have told me, I learned my ABCs from watching Wheel of Fortune. It is also interesting to see what shows are still on, and which ones are not. And, while watching it, I've seen so many current stars doing things prior to being famous. I've seen Fergie in a Barbie commercial. I've seen Rosie Perez dancing on Soul Train. I've seen Natasha Lyonne on Pee Wee's Playhouse. Plus, I've seen more of Max Headroom than I have in years.
It may seem stupid to hold on to this kind of stuff, but I think of it like a small time capsule. The tapes show a glimpse of what life was like 20 years ago. It is full of music, fashion, food, products, news and celebrities that made up the late 80s and early 90s. When I put one of these tapes on, I'm taken back to my childhood. Suddenly, memories that have long been buried resurface vividly in the forefront of my mind. I can see how far we as a society have come, and where things are exactly the same. Some of the fashion is outlandish, but some of it has survived or been re-born (e.g. leggings with over-sized tops, Wayfarers, slouchy boots). Some of the celebrities are still around, and some have faded into obscurity. There is no mention of the internet because it wasn't invented. Having a 25 inch television was a big deal. There was no YouTube on your iPhone. There was a Watchmen with an antenna and black and white picture. I had one of those, and I loved it. You could watch it in the car on trips! A new car was between $5000 and $6000 dollars. There was Gucci, but not like we know it today. A 32 oz. soda was 49 cents. There weren't nearly as many commercials about new medications or treatments. There were more public service announcements. Things were just different.
I don't want to throw on rose colored glasses because times weren't perfect. It's just that watching these tapes give me the warm fuzzies. It makes me want to incorporate things from my past into things in my present. Being nostalgic and sentimental has negative connotations, but I think that sometimes it isn't so bad to take a trip down memory lane. Especially when, in my case, a trip down memory lane cures a lot of my bad day blues. I'm so glad that my dad taped this stuff. It may have seemed silly and unnecessary at the time, but I appreciate it more than he will ever know.
- Music:'Candy' - Cameo
I was listening to Jimmy Eat World tonight when 'The Middle' started playing. It made me think back to when my 9-year-old sister told me that this was her favorite song and asked if I had ever heard it. Have I ever heard it? Have I ever heard it?!? I wanted to tell her that the song came out when she was a year old, and that the Jimmy Eat World album that it came from, Bleed American, got me through high school. I don't know why when my younger siblings challenge me about stuff that I am clearly going to know more about it gets on my nerves. I'm 23, not an ancient relic, kids. I probably knew about everything that matters to you now before you were even born and/or old enough to remember it.
I know it's stupid. I mean, I like plenty of things that were relevant before I was born. I guess I just don't talk to people that were around then like I discovered it and that they wouldn't know anything about it. I talk to them like they probably know more than me, and am surprised if they don't. For example, I love Cheap Trick. Mom was born in the 60s, so she would have been a teenager when Cheap Trick was at their height. Yet, when I started talking to her about them, she had no idea who they were. Still, I didn't barge into that conversation expecting her not to know about them.
I shouldn't let it bother me. I don't know why it rubs me the wrong way. It's a stupid thing to be annoyed at my sister about, but I can't help that it annoys me. I guess it's true. No one can get under your skin the way that little siblings can.
Now, get the hell off my lawn, you little whippersnappers!
- Music:'Hear You Me' - Jimmy Eat World
Well, obviously, I haven't been doing well with keeping my New Year's Resolution to keep up with this thing. It's a problem that I keep trying to rectify, but to no avail. Hopefully, my life will get more exciting so I'll have a reason to chronicle things.
So, a few days ago I signed up for Plenty of Fish. I had saved this article from 2008 on how Alexander Ovechkin had found a girlfriend through a Russian site like Facebook. People were talking in the comments about their successes with internet dating. At the time, I put in my own two cents because I was dating Chris, and that was early enough that things were still going semi-well. So, as I was re-reading the article, someone brought up Plenty of Fish. I decided to try it because why the hell not? I've done OKCupid in the past, and even paid for Match.com. Both turned up a lot of nothing. I had one date with Match.com that was a total failure, so I shut down my profile. I found Chris, or rather he found me, on MySpace, and that worked for awhile. So, signing up for Plenty of Fish was purely a boredom and curiosity thing.
Within the first few minutes, I had a handful of messages. Some were promising, and some were not. The first one to catch my eye was from this guy named Joe. We had a ton of similarities, and so I messaged him back. We talked for a few days online, and yesterday we went out on a really casual date. We went to the park by my house and walked a few trails, and then ate at The Loop for dinner. Afterward, we sat in his car at my house and jammed out to The Smiths and Green Day. We talked non-stop for the whole date, and we laughed a lot. He seemed a little nervous at first, although he said he wasn't. However, the guy at the cash register at The Loop asked him if he was okay, or if someone was trying to kill him. It made for good lulz on my end, and some embarrassment on Joe's. Then again, I think the cash register guy could tell we were on a first date, and he started giving me the eye like mad.
By the end of the night, Joe seemed to be much more relaxed and his sarcastic, dry side came out which I really liked! He wants to be friends, and then see where things go from there. I'm okay with that. Surprisingly, I'm okay with that. After spending time with him, it did feel like I had made a great new friend! I can definitely see myself falling for him eventually, so we'll see what happens. Plus, he is half-Chinese which was a first for me. I've dated outside of my race and ethnicity before, but I've never dated a Chinese guy, or any Asian guy, for that matter. Either way, he was really nice and our date was probably the best one I've ever been on. It was low-key, innocent, sweet, kind, and really natural. And it was nice that he held the door open for me. Chris stopped doing that practically after the first date, and so I am used to barging up to the door and throwing it open for myself. I had to stop myself from doing it last night because it was such a habit.
I've been messaged by several other potential guys, but they are all at Fort Bragg and in the military. I've always said I never wanted to be with someone in the military, but with how introverted I am, perhaps having a guy who is gone part of the time isn't as big of a deal as I used to think it would be. My mom and I talked last night, and she told me that these guys are probably incredibly lonely, and they want a nice girl to talk to them while they are away, and a family to come home to after seeing what they see in these other countries. I never thought about it like that, so I messaged the potential guys back because at the very least, I wouldn't mind being the person they send letters home to when they are away. I can't imagine what they go through, and I'd be willing to be a good friend to them.
Plus, they are an hour and a half away, so they'd have to really be interested to come out my way.
So, we'll just see where all of this goes. I'd love to have a boyfriend, or even just a ton of guys to date! It is an ego boost to know that so many guys find me attractive and smart. I've gotten several pages of emails since I signed up, and I was overwhelmed having to weed through all these people. I'm just letting them come to me, though. I'm just excited to take things as they come and have some fun along the way. Plus, being taken out to a free evening of drinks and fun isn't a bad way to spend an evening!
Quick Edit: So, one of the guys is actually deployed in Iraq right now. I just want to send him hugs because that has to be hard. :[
- Tags:boys, dating
- Music:'Fever' - Adam Lambert
Since it is the start of a new year, I should probably make a few resolutions. I have yet to be successful, but who knows? 2010 could be the year where I keep a few! Doubtful, but it wouldn't be a new year without resolutions, would it?Megan's Resolutions for 2010:
- Read 50 books by the end of the year.
- Lose 15 pounds.
- Get a job. Any job.
- Get some sort of degree or certification. Any will do.
- Have a car and be mobile.
- Throw out all my unused junk once and for all.
- Keep up with my journal. At least two entries a week.
- Take more opportunities when they arise.
- Have at least $500 saved in my bank account by the end of the year. Not much, but a start.
- Transfer all of my journals into this one. No excuses.
- No relationships until my life is a little more secure and I'm more independent.
- Be a better friend.
- Try some new things. Doesn't matter what.
- Clean up my old computers, and transfer everything to my external HD.
- Buy and wear more dresses.
- Smile and laugh more.
This is just a jump off point. If I think of some more things, I'll add them. If I can accomplish even half of these things, 2010 will be drastically different from 2009 in a good way. Personally, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and really hoping for good things to come my way.
- Music:'Kill the Lights' - Britney Spears
Well, it is the start of a new year. Out with the old and in with the new. 2009 was a long and hard year, and in the history of my life, one of my worst. 2009 saw the death of my grandfather (even if he technically passed away on New Year's Eve), a break in my sanity, the loss of a long-term relationship, a hold on my college dreams, a loss of income, distance from friends, and general discord in my life. Most of this I brought on myself, and some of it I feel is karma making me pay for something from my past, though I don't know what. There would be lots to choose from, I'm sure. In general, it was a year that I can't wait to forget, and one that I hope to never repeat.
2010, for me, is full of possibility. I'm working hard to create some sort of plan that will change my life as I currently know it. It is something that I am struggling with because so many people have ideas of how I should be living my life, and most have no regard for what I'd actually like for myself. There is a general consensus that at this age I should have my future figured out, and my assertions that I may never know what I want are met with disapproval. Personally, I feel that I may never have a solid plan for my life. I have goals I'd like to meet, yes, but as far as what my purpose is? I have no idea, nor do I feel I should know. I'd just like to do the things I enjoy for as long as I enjoy them, and then find other things I enjoy to do. That includes jobs. I have a few jobs I'd enjoy and that I am capable of doing. I'm willing to pick one to pursue for the time being, but I can't promise that it will be my "forever" job. Why that is so disheartening to everyone I know, I don't understand. Who says you have to go through life in one career and one career only? Who says you can't make a living out of trying new things, within reason, of course.
Schooling is also a point of contention between myself and others. For me, a lot of the reason that I am not currently pursuing finishing school is due to my mother and finances. She wants me to finish up some kind of schooling. However, we can't afford it. I hate going to school not knowing if I'll be able to return semester to semester. I hate having the finance office breathing down my neck, and mom being unable to pay the bill. I want to finish school, but only when the money is there without having to worry about what bills will default, and what might get cut off this month. I'd rather work and save up some cash to put towards school in the future, but she'd rather me get a diploma or certification in something right now. We go round and round on it. She wants me to do it knowing that we can't afford it, and we fight about it often. Then there are those who want to berate me for not finishing my four year degree despite my telling them that there is just no money. How people don't understand "no money" is beyond me. No money? Go to school anyway! No one can tell me how to go to school on no money. They just expect me to do it. When someone offers me a plan, I'll be glad to listen.
I'm really hoping for a turn around in luck and life in 2010. I know that I have to work for it, and I'm willing to put in the time. I just hope it won't be in vain. Lord knows it's about time for a little good news.